What a shock it was stepping off the plane at Heathrow.
For starters it was cold. Not unpleasant after the 42 C of Oman, but a shock. Then it took 45 minutes for the transit bus to make it to the terminal. No explanation or apology. I wished I hadn't decided to wait to go to the loo! Other passengers talked about their onward journeys, most to the US and Canada. Conversation started to peter out as they wondered if they'd make their connections.
From the moment we set foot in the terminal building until we got into the taxi we were screamed at by hatched-faced women holding walkie-talkies. We were also admonished by enormous posters designed by people who clearly believe that all passengers are slack-jawed idiots.
As we trudged wearily along after getting off the transit bus from hell, a large woman with a loud voice yelled "STOP!" at us and stretched out her not inconsiderable arm to bar us from passing. Catching sight of a miscreant passenger she barked "Walk to the LEFT, sir. The LEFT." A pause, and then "Yes, you sir! Don't look around. I'm talking to YOU." The use of the word "Sir" was, as you will observe, ironic.
When the arm was lifted without explanation, she herded us into the right lanes.
Walking obediently on, we saw a tiny, rather timid Asian girl being harassed by two fat white women with their arms crossed. "She SAYS she's lost her sponsor." One yelled at the other, who was about six inches away. "She SAYS she can't find her boarding pass." she carried on with a meaningful look. "Oh did she?" bellowed the other. "Did she really?" They gurned at each other. The timid girl clearly didn't understand a word of what they were saying. "YOU CAN'T CONTINUE WITHOUT A SPONSOR OR A BOARDING PASS." shouted the first woman. "SECURITY." We all know, don't we, that if we talk really, really loudly in English, foreigners will understand us? Crowds of people passed by and watched, grateful that they weren't the ones being thus singled out.
"BE CAREFUL ON THE ESCALATOR" screamed a poster at the top of the offending machine.
People shouted at us a bit more as we shuffled towards the passport control. A couple of people got told off for various misdemeanours by a woman passport controller who clearly does not have a life outside work. A man in his fifties who ducked under a rope barrier got a particularly vicious dressing down.
Going through customs another sour woman pulled around a sniffer dog. As we passed my son let his hand trail over its back. "DON'T DO THAT." she yelled. A small hint, dear lady: where there are dogs, children will touch them. Deal with it or adapt the training so that the dogs will back off whimpering if they encounter anyone under four foot nine. I said rather loudly, but not too loudly in case she set the dog on me; "Don't worry, darling. She's a silly lady. You didn't do anything wrong..."
Another poster. This time it said "DON'T LET YOUR CHILDREN RIDE ON THE TROLLIES. IT IS DANGEROUS." Hitherto I had had no intention of letting the kids ride on the trolley, but seeing this, I scooped my son up and stuck him on the top of the luggage.
"CHILDREN AREN'T ALLOWED TO RIDE ON THE TROLLIES" said yet another officious old harpy, pointing at my son.
"Mine are." I said, and we swept out of the door.
Welcome to Britain. I'd just like to say - we're not all like that.
4 comments:
Very publishable, imo.
Really? Where?
Just about any publication that expresses concerns about what has been happening in this country post-Iraq assault. Anti-terrorism laws that are being quoted to allow police, and assorted officialdom to behave in certain ways. The 'Independent' , just for example.
In a wider sense, it appeals to that certain something, in just about everybody, that hates officialdom.
And also, its a 'now' topic.., holidaytime, airport.
And in particular, it's your voice, plus the voices of assorted officials, of direct experience. Where your values show through as that, rather than just the expressions of your , uh, 'big opinions'.
Interesting to know.
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