Right, I'm going to come out on this one. I think men are great. I love men. I think they can intelligent, thoughtful, strong, mature, funny, and emotional. Just like women. I think women are great too, but I think men are just as great. I think we all have the capacity to be great given the right encouragement, the right support, the right role-models and if we are TOLD and SHOWN that it is possible.
Ah. And there's the problem in a nutshell. Women, and more specifically girls, are encouraged at every turn, presented with positive gender images in the media, the arts and the public eye, told that they have the right to think they're great. A housewife in an advertisement is superwoman, working women are executives, we use skincare products "because we're worth it". Because most primary teachers are female, and early education has been feminised, by which I mean what children are expected to do in school will be more easily achieved by girls (sitting still and listening for extended periods of time being just the beginning), girls get a bit of a headstart and, in the main, grow up KNOWING that they are more likely to do well at school than boys. Girls are proud of their gender, more confident of their place in the world (paradoxically in a way, but that's another story...) and expected to do well in life.
Boys, on the other hand, see men demonised or demeaned in the media. There are currently two adverts running on British TV where a bride abandons her groom at the altar, and we're supposed to cheer at her independent spirit. Would we applaud if it was the man in this position? The answer is no, although the question is academic, because using a man to show that a relationship with a car is more fulfilling than a relationship with a spouse would not be countenanced in today's society. Sexism, in this case, only goes one way. Men in the media, particularly in advertising, are patsies, softies, boy-men. The only model of male attractiveness is androgyny. The only thing men are presented doing is drinking, clubbing, trying to get laid, having a laugh. Or doing menial work. In other words, being big kids. I noticed with a shock a new Honda advert featuring a sort of Milk Tray man, complete with aviators, moustache and (probably) body hair, bouncing along in a racing boat to the song "To dream the Impossible Dream". It was, of course, ironic. My shock came from realising that we NEVER see men like that presented any more. I'm not a big one for body hair, but nor do I think it is disgusting and laughable, which is the commonly received wisdom among women. Could that be because it is too male? I would ask you to consider the film of Scooby Doo, where Fred, the clever leader of the cartoon original, can no longer be represented as such. No, now he's only norminally the leader, but in reality he is just vain and conceited and has cheated the clever, and female, Velma, who is the real brains and leadership behind the team. When he tries actually to lead he lands the team in trouble. Appropriate role models for boys are few and far between. They tend to be sportsmen, particularly footballers who fall (or are pushed) from grace, with alarming and depressing regularity.
Educationally, when boys fail to shine, or fall behind girls, parents are told "Well, he's a boy...". Even the male teachers say it! This mantra has been repeated so often that everyone now accepts it, rather than putting their backs up and saying "So what?" Boys are expected to underachieve compared to their sisters and it's remarked upon, but no connection is made with the social stereotype that is forced upon them from every possible direction. I can't be the only one who thinks that this has some dreadful Dr Who reversed 1950s feel about it. It's not healthy, not in any way, not for men and not for women.
Groups of boys are eyed with suspicion, even if they're behaving themselves. They are used to this, although they are hurt by it. And if I have learned anything from my education studies it is this - children live up or down to expectations.
I am married to a man who is not like me. He doesn't care about his hair. He doesn't take care of his skin. He doesn't drink the same drinks as I do, or always eat the same food. He reads different books and watches different TV programmes. Until last month he had never owned a pair of sandals in his adult life. He can change plugs and put up shelves (and I'm not very good at either, although I have done both), likes cars and reads car magazines, and enjoys a trip out into the countryside with the dogs, a packed lunch and a couple of beers. He likes the company of other men. He is not, and has never been androgynous. In other words, in media terms he's a dinosaur. In reality, he's a very nice man.
I also have a son. My son is lucky because he has a father at home and he has already at the age of eight had one year being taught by a male teacher. But while my daughter's expectations for herself are big, he doesn't have the same confidence. I watch him watching all this rubbish and I tell him it's rubbish and invite him to consider the reasons for these representations. But it's very invidious, this constant drip-drip of mockery.
Both my children hold doors open for adults, particularly women, and stand up for them on public transport. While people think this is charming when my daughter does it, my son is regarded with curiosity and something approaching disapproval. In shops my daughter can handle objects she is considering buying, whereas shopkeepers will remove things from my son's hand with a reprimand, because obviously he is expected either to drop or steal them. I leave shops when this happens.
I hear that there are so many more women studying medecine these days than men that there is great concern about the future, when a proportion of female doctors will want to take breaks to have a family, and there will not be enough men to take up the slack. This will probably be duplicated in many areas of work. Is this why Gordon Brown, our Chancellor, is so keen to make sure that mothers know that they are more or less expected to work, rather than stay at home and take care of their children?
What makes me so mad about all this is that it is so easy to solve. Stop putting men down. Stop putting boys down. Strive for equality. For women to succeed it is not necessary, or helpful for men to fail. We need to cooperate or it won't work.
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